TO: April 9th, 2014

Dear Past Self,

You are not inadequate in any sense of the word. You may not be the strongest one on the team or the smartest one in the class or the fastest one in the pool but that does not make you any less important. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Comparison is the thief of joy. Listen to what your dad told you, that things like effort, dedication, and personality will take you much farther than being the best at something. I know you do not believe that right now but one day you will look back and realize he was right. You are punishing yourself far too much right now and it pains me that you cannot see all the good that you have to offer. Here are some things I want you to hear:

1. Your true friends are going to be the ones who lift you up, not the ones who make you feel lesser than.
2. Competition is not the most important part of sports. You do not have to be the fastest, or the strongest in order to be of value. It is your perseverance that will take you far. And also, it is okay to leave behind things that are not working. There is nothing wrong with quitting a team or activity that is only bringing you anxiety.
3. You can make a future out of art. You are talented. And other people are talented too but that does not make you any less talented. There are so many different ways to be an amazing artist.
4. If you are not happy with yourself it is okay to change things. Instead of wallowing about the things that you are unhappy with, take charge and be proactive. You are capable of so much more than you know.
5. It is okay to put yourself out there and let yourself be heard. It is okay to tell people that you are struggling. The people who care about you can already see it. They want to help you and you should let them.

I know you are just at the start of this journey but I promise you it gets better.

With Love,

Alex (April 14th, 2019)

“Lay Me Down”

Lay me with the flowers,

Rest me safely in their garden bed when I’m no longer breathing, 

Lay me down.

Lay me with the daisies with their skirts of purist white.

Let them use my skin as their soil,

So that daisies they may grow in circles, 

Wreaths,

Crowns,

Crowns that little girls will stitch together for atop their precious curls because the only crowns that they need to be queens are made of flowers. 

Lay me with the daisies, 

For the innocence of youth. 

When i’m no longer breathing, 

Plant me amongst the grace and truth. 

Lay me down. 

Lay me with the tulips,

Let them whisper of my presence, 

As they twist their long lean necks to spread gossip in their roots.

Lay me with the tulips,

Place their petals to my mouth,

When i’m no longer breathing, 

Muffle up the memories,

Of my long forgotten breath,

Shallow inhales,

Shaky exhales, 

Lay me down.

In silence let the plants grow over

Until they’ve covered up my name.

Lay me down. 

Lay me with the roses,

And their cautious budding thorns. 

Let them have my fragile heart,

Broken a dozen times by boys and girls i’ve loved before, 

Let the roses mend it with their vines,

Mend better than I ever could with my shaky hand and loose stitches, 

Better than I ever could with my naive whims that this time would be different. 

Let the roses have my heart,

Give my love a fresh new start,

It’s no use in my cracked chest anyways. 

When I’m no longer breathing,

And my hearts no longer beating,

Lay me down.

Lay me with the lilies.

Let the lilies have my lungs, 

And in the gaps plant babies breath,

 Let the rain drip down my throat, 

To care for flowers filling,

Let the water take me down, 

Fill my lungs and let me drown,

When I’m no longer breathing,

Lay me down.

Lay me down in a garden bed

And in my mind plant orchids.

Take my dashed hopes and shattered dreams,

Let my thoughts become seeds,

Where they can finally stem free,

And no longer they be caged, 

Inside the prison that is me. 

When I’m no longer breathing,

Lay me down. 

Lay me among the flowers so I may grow again,

May I be reborn, 

As a genus somewhat foreign, 

And let me bloom among the leaves,

And protective old growth trees,

Lay me down. 

Down so I may have a second chance, 

In which to root myself where I may not be pried out of the ground, 

Only to be gazed at and forgotten, 

Lay me with the flowers so I may start again. 

Lay me down. 

TO: May 2015

Dear Past Self,

The suffering of other people is not your fault. Yes they are hurting and yes it is because you are hurting but that does not make it your fault. They are in pain because they love you and do not want to see you in pain. But the only thing you can do is focus on your own wellbeing. When you understand that you are not their burden you will find the strength to lift yourself out of this. Only when you have helped yourself will you have the strength to help others. 

Clinical mental illness is nobody’s fault. But so often we assign ourselves with blame. This is why mental health needs to be talked about more, so that it is more accepted and understood and so kids aren’t locking themselves away in their rooms, banging their heads and saying “what’s wrong with me?”
And so mother’s and fathers and sisters and brothers aren’t hanging their heads in their hands saying “what did I do wrong?” 
Mental health needs to be talked about so no one is to blame.

My darling Past Self in years to come there will be times where others will tell you that your mental illness caused them great pain and suffering and I wish I could tell you not to take that on. I wish I could tell you it was not your fault. People will tell you that you bring them down or that you have too much darkness but you cannot blame yourself for that.

On the topic of darkness I have to say that having darkness to you is not a bad thing. Everyone has a mix of light and dark and those levels shift every day. Sometimes you are going to go through periods where you have more light or more dark and that is okay. You can have darkness, it helps make you who you are. The trick is just to not let the darkness consume you. Be okay with your darkness but do not be defined by it. This is something you will learn, Past Self. You will learn that as long as you always have something to look forward to there will always be light in your life.

Some people are not okay with darkness and that is what you will discover. But that is not a reflection on you, that is just the individual mindset of the other person. And that may change. Some people may oppose darkness but then learn to understand it. Everyone develops and learns and grows at different paces, and everyone is entitled to their own way of thinking.

What you will learn is how to accept yourself and how to find likeminded people who will too accept you for everything that you are; the light and the dark. You will find people who will never blame you for your mental illness and will never be annoyed with you when you have sad days or anxious days. And you will not blame yourself either.

There are better days to come, my dear.

With Love,

Alex (March 15th, 2019)

TO: February 2019

Dear Present Self,

This is going to be a different kind of letter. This is me telling you to stop thinking and just start doing. Eat the food. Drink the tea. Paint the stuff. Run the trails. Kiss the people. Treat yourself.

This week you saw how others will make changes in order to care for you when you need it. Now it is time do do those things for yourself. When you are struggling, you can help yourself! When you have a panic attack it is okay to watch netflix for two hours in your pyjamas and not move from your chair. When you feel sad it is okay to invent the randomest baking recipe possible and see if it turns out. If you are feeling lonely it is okay to go read your book which you lie on top of the washer and dryer in the communal kitchen of your building just to be around the people. When you are hungry it is okay to go to Starbucks and buy everything that looks good. You do what you need.

People are always wondering what their purpose is on this earth. Sometimes that thought can be way too overwhelming and you feel so small and insignificant but I will let you in on a secret- the only thing you need to do in this world is continue to live as yourself. Some days are going to suck but all you need to do is continue doing what you need to do to keep yourself alive. If that means you have a little less money because you spent more on buying the most expensive brand of really good ice cream then that is what you do.

When you truly look around you see that there are so many people who would drop everything if you needed. This week when you needed it you got so much immediate support, (even from strangers) and now it is time to give that support to yourself. Feed yourself. Love yourself. Treat Yourself.

With Love,

Alex (February 16th, 2019)

TO: July 2016

Today was an important day for me. Today I swam a total of 2 Kilometers which is the farthest I have probably swam since I quit competitive swimming back in the summer of 2016. 2 kilometers seems like a small distance compared to what I used to swim everyday when I was training but for me that isn’t what matters here. What matters is just recently I have gotten back into this sport that I once dedicated so much of my life to and I am doing it purely for myself. I am not swimming for anyone else or to beat anyone else. I am swimming for me.

Back in the Spring and Summer of 2016 I was so consumed by the pressure and anxiety of competition that I lost my love of the sport. I was constantly pushing my body and mind to their limits and not giving myself proper rest. I was constantly in the mindset that I needed to be getting stronger, faster, and more technically advanced. And my improvement was never good enough. One bad race meant another week of stress before the next competition. And suddenly the water was not my safe place anymore.

For a while after I quit I would get stressed out even thinking of swimming and had to stay away from the pool for a while. Later I started lifeguarding which was better because I could still be in the water, but came with its own physical and mental challenges of course.

It has now been two and a half years since I stopped swimming competitively. I remember it so well. The things I thrived on… and the things I couldn’t deal with.

Now I live a ten minute walk from one of my favourite aquatic facilities and since the new year I have been trying to go swim lengths at least once a week. The water makes me feel so clean. I feel it in my skin, my lungs, my head, the way I used to. When I walk outside after having swam I feel so fresh breathing in the cold air and I love the recovery walk back up to my residence. When I am in the water I love that my body remembers everything. My hand remembers the catch of my freestyle pull. My shoulders remember the glide of my breastroke. My abs remember the kick of my butterfly. Though I am not nearly as strong as I used to be, nor do I have the same endurance, I swim like it was only yesterday. But this time I swim for me. I do not swim to get stronger or faster. I swim because I love the water and I feel good when I am swimming. And that is the kind of life I want to be living- one where I do things because they feel good to me. Sometimes that may mean swimming for longer like today and sometimes that may mean only swimming for 20 minutes. Do what feels right for you. You can’t go wrong when you listen to yourself.

With Love,

Alex (February 11th, 2019)

TO: January 31st, 2015

Dear Past Self,

I know you are confused right now. But you do not need to be angry with yourself. There are so many things you have yet to learn and yet to accept. For now, here is a list of things I want you to know:

1. It is okay to not have a firm grasp on your identity. 
2. It is okay to question yourself.
3. It is okay to question your sexuality.
4. It is okay to question your gender.
5. It is okay to play around with gender; dress feminine, dress masculine, dress however you please!
6. It is okay to be gay.
7. It is okay to be straight.
8. It is okay to be bisexual.
9. It is okay to be pansexual.
10. It is okay to be questioning or to just not know.
11. It is okay to be in limbo.
12. You do not have to have a label! 
13. You can cut your hair real short and still be feminine.
14. It is okay to kiss people.
15. It is okay not to kiss people.
16. It is okay to tell people you are questioning. The people who really love you will always accept you!
17. It is also okay to be perfectly comfortable with yourself!

Just keep going my dear! You are doing great!

With Love, 

Alex (January 31st, 2019)

TO: Present Day

Dear Present Self,

It has not always been easy for me to tell other people about myself. For a long time I would keep all my thoughts and feelings bottled up and try and cover them up from the rest of the world. I even, for a period of time, began to cut certain people out because I was afraid of them seeing the darker parts of me. It is still hard to open up, but not in the same way. I know now that the people who really care about you will not judge you for things like mental illness. This realization and acceptance that people do want to help me has greatly allowed me to feel comfortable sharing my story (also in hopes that by sharing, I can help other people as well). However, some days I worry I have been too vulnerable, that I have shared too much.

Sometimes I worry about who knows what about me and therefore how they perceive me. Some of the worst things, (do they think I am attention-seeking, naive, clueless) get crowded in my mind. But you know what I always come to realize? At the end of the day, I don’t really care. I don’t really care what people think about me because I know that the ones who truly care for me will be cool with all my quirks and funny habits; accepting of all my highs and all my lows.

This past week has been a hard one for me but I have been amazed at all the support I have received by friends, family, and professionals. Old and new friends have reached out and it feels so good to know that I am safe to share, no matter what I am going through. It also feels incredibly good to ask for help, which is why I have decided to give counselling another shot.

Being vulnerable is in no way a weakness. In fact, it is a massive strength. Allow yourself to speak and be heard.

With love,

Alex

TO: May, 2017

Dear Past Self,

Today you are awake. You are tired but you are awake and that means you are alive. There is nothing braver than still being alive. 
You’ve come so far and the fact that you still wake up everyday is such an achievement in itself; I know it hasn’t been easy. 
It is true that here in 2019 I am much happier than you are back there in 2017. But I still have bad days. I still have days wearing waking up is hard to do. I still have days where I consider falling in to old patterns. Still have days where I wonder if anyone would notice if I just disappeared. 
Truth be told I don’t think those thoughts will ever stop. But the important thing to remember is that the more time that passes, the less likely I am to act upon those thoughts. Thoughts will come and go, it is inevitable. Waves of negativity will come crashing down, but instead of getting caught in those waves, choose to release them. 
Stay strong, my dear. 

With Love,

Alex (January 14th, 2019)

TO: SEPTEMBER 2017

Dear Past Self,

The First week back is always tough. The first week of anything is tough. But you did it! This letter is reaching you back when you first started university at a different school. I am sorry to say that you won’t be happy there. You won’t meet many people and the work load will be tough. Every Sunday night will bring a similar routine of crying and hyperventilating. That’s why you will not stay at that school for long. And that’s more than okay. It’s okay to try a bunch of different things before you find what works. And that is just what you will do. But guess what! You will find a place where you feel content and safe! It took you an extra year after high school but you did it! You made the scary decision to move away from home to Nanaimo and found a school that makes you feel valued! I am so proud of you for that.

That doesn’t mean you won’t still have bad days, or rough weeks. This first week back was hard as they always are but you kept going and even now things are settling back in to routine. Some weeks will always be tough but they are much easier to get through when you have a great support team like you do now, as well as the contentment that your current life gives you. 

Take care my dear, you are on your way.

With love,

Alex (January, 2019)

TO: APRIL 2015

Dear past self,

Take a deep breath. Release your hands. Count to five. Your body is in a state of shock. This is a panic attack.

I wish you could know what I know now about self-compassion. When you physically cannot hold the stress in your body to the point that it causes you to shake and shiver this is a sign that serious self-compassion is needed. This is not a time to just push through it like you have so often done. That only causes things to get worse. But I know you didn’t know how to do anything but keep going and that is okay. It’s okay because I am letting you know that one day you will know how to handle your stress when it comes up and I am so very proud of you for getting to that point.

I remember the day you had your first panic attack. If it wasn’t for your best friend being there I don’t know what you would have done. He helped you more that day than he knows because he showed you how to remove yourself from stressful environments instead of freezing in your seat and cowering. He calmed you down and I am so thankful he was there for you.

Afterwards I remember how you felt so shaky for hours. Yet you still went to swim practice, which you later learned was actually a huge contributor to your anxiety. You tried to pretend everything was normal. Maybe if you hadn’t tried to ignore the panic attacks they wouldn’t have started happening on a regular basis.

But, my darling past self I am not here to put you down. I am here to give you comfort in knowing that one day the panic attacks will stop. You will have the self-confidence to talk to others about your struggles and someday you will even be that person that helps others through their panic attacks by removing them from their stressful environments. You will push through and you will get better.

And you will learn self-compassion. This is a term that you did not know until September of 2018. It is a very important aspect of self-care in which you will learn to take care of yourself when you are scared or sick or sad. Self-compassion means positive self-talk, taking rest when you need it, and just general being good to yourself. You will learn all of this and it will help you so much.

Keep your chin up past self. Take a deep breath. Release your hands. Count to five. One day you will not need to panic.

With Love,

Alex (January, 2019)